This morning my guy and I had a conversation that went roughly like this:
- Me: We need to get plane tickets for our friends' wedding in Hawaii. It's really soon.
Him: Yep, but I'm super busy right now - can't do it. If you can, great - otherwise it'll have to wait.
Me: But I'm busy too! I can't do it either.
Him: Well. . . .
- Me: Oh no, he's expecting me to do it! How can he do this to me - he knows how busy and stressed-out I am right now! I can't do it! Gaaaaah!
The other interesting thing is that my guy doesn't think this way. If I say, "I can't do such-and-such," he takes that info at face value, without assuming any responsibility to deal with such-and-such himself.
So what causes the difference? Is it how we were raised? A gender thing? Based on how much sleep we've each gotten lately? And is there some way I can learn, or at least temporarily borrow, the way he thinks?
From listening to female friends talk about this kind of thing, I know I'm not the only woman stuck in this hamster-wheel cycle of taking on more responsibility, more ownership for the mechanics of daily life, than I need to (or than my significant other even asks me to).
My highly scientific conclusion: this is not good! I don't know what's causing it, but I don't like it at all. I don't have a fix, either, but I'm crossing my fingers that putting this idea out there makes me more aware that yes, there is another way to think. And over the next couple of weeks while my work schedule goes crazy, I'll be trying to remind myself that just because my guy can't deal with something, doesn't mean that I have to. There are very few things that really have to get done, after all.
Now . . . how often will I remember to tell myself this? And is it fair to ask my guy to remind me?
3 comments:
i'm very impressed that you are taking this head-on. occasionally, mil and i will have an argument, and we will realize that it all started because i expected him to read my mind. we both laugh at how silly that expectation is, and move on... only to have it happen again a few months later...
fortunately, we always seem to get past it. i know life would be easier if i didn't spend quite so much time wrapped up in my own thoughts and assumptions, but i'm convinced i wouldn't be as interesting.
that's a tough one, but i've noticed it too. i clean more, for one thing, but it is largely due to the fact that i just like things cleaner than he does. which means i clean my own mess to my own level, and then his mess up to my own level- an increase of about 30% since i lived alone (or with you, for that matter).
i think there is a cultural assumption that women hold greater "family" responsibility- plane tickets, thank you notes, christmas presents, wedding rsvps. and despite being a feminist married to a feminist, it as proved to be true.
miss you guys...
that's a tough one, but i've noticed it too. i clean more, for one thing, but it is largely due to the fact that i just like things cleaner than he does. which means i clean my own mess to my own level, and then his mess up to my own level- an increase of about 30% since i lived alone (or with you, for that matter).
i think there is a cultural assumption that women hold greater "family" responsibility- plane tickets, thank you notes, christmas presents, wedding rsvps. and despite being a feminist married to a feminist, it as proved to be true.
miss you guys...
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