English & immigration

This is a rant. I've been hearing a lot about immigration lately, and I just can't restrain myself. I can't believe that we're actually considering making illegal immigrants promise to learn English as a condition of becoming legal residents.

"It's necessary!" I hear on the radio. "People living here should value this country. Immigrants must become useful, producing members of society. And to fully participate in the American dream, immigrants have to know English!"

And okay, I totally agree with all that. The US is a great and valuable place, with a lot of good things about it (gotta say it, in spite of my left-wing nature & the complete screw-ups that are Iraq, Afghanistan, and our entire current relationship with Europe). And sure, people who live here should contribute to society (and by "contribute to society," I basically mean look after themselves and not just mooch off other people's taxes for years and years). And finally, it seems pretty obvious to me that living in the US is way, way easier if you speak English.

But. But, but, but. What does any of that actually have to do with illegal immigration? There are lots of US-born US citizens who don't value the country, who mooch off of various social programs for no good reason, and who don't speak English. We don't even have English (or any other language) fluency as a high-school graduation requirement. Arguably we should - but that's a separate debate.

We also don't apply these standards to legal immigrants. We only apply them, irrelevantly, to one small group. And arguably, it's the group who's worked hardest to be here. Illegal immigration isn't easy, after all.

Of course, that ignores the issue of whether we really regard illegal immigration as a crime. I mean, it's illegal, so yeah, I guess we do, sort of, kind of, in a wishy-washy uncertain way. But there are still benefits to getting here illegally - and as long as benefits outweight downsides, people who do the math and come up with "cross the border" are going to keep on crossing. We don't even seem to know whether we want them to or not - and as long as that's the case, we're going to keep creating inconsistent, illogical policies that half-serve both goals, and pull everyone involved in both directions.

And pretending otherwise is just dumb.

Silly kids - windmills are for grownups

One evening last week I found myself standing in the middle of the living room, arms extended, torso rotating, waist bending. "One!" I counted. "Two! Three! Four!" Bend, twist, stand back up.

"Why did I hate this so much back in middle school P.E. class?" I thought. When I got home that night, the very first thing I'd wanted to do was stretch and twist and generally work the kinks out of my back and shoulders and hips. And yet years ago, I loathed this. I loathed all of P.E. I dreaded Mrs. L, a perfectly nice brown-haired woman who nonetheless made me run laps around the gravel track next to the cow field that was my middle school playground.

I spent the hours before P.E. class trying to figure out how to get out of it - and now, years later, I can't wait for the chance to do the exact same activities. Sometime around 5 pm I start thinking about how soon I can get up out of my desk chair and away from my computer and start swinging my arms around. My guy is trying to teach me to throw a baseball properly, and I love every minute.

"What the hell?" I think. This person who's positively panting to go to the gym just isn't me.

And then it hits me: P.E. isn't for kids. Given the chance, kids will happily run up and down the outside stairs at their grandparents' house for hours just because their own house doesn't have outside stairs. No, P.E. is for the adult who's just spent five hours at a desk grading science exams. P.E. is for the parents in office buildings who just wish they were outside getting bonked on the head with a basketball.

Huh. It's a new and startling thought. All those years I never realized what was really going on.

What else am I missing?